I should stay consistent here. There are too many things that happen everyday for it to be routine enough to NOT write in here. hmm.
I have become better at focusing, though I still need to improve. I lack discipline when it comes to things I really want to do. hmm.
I think ... where to start...
This weekend, starting on Friday was a roller coaster of events. I was talking to mami over the phone when she told me that Michael was feeling despressed about his upcoming test. I know how it feels to be lonely, perhaps not so much before medical school but definitely during it. A couple of hours later I decide against heading to Michelle's and Jenn's place for margarita's and decided to head home at 8:30 pm. It was raining like no other, at times I couldn't see 20 ft in front of me, but the longer I drove home the more it felt like I was doing the right thing.
On the drive over, I kept thinking about how I was going to approach Michael, how I was going to enter the house and reassure him that everything was going to be OK. I didn't tell mami or papi that I was coming home so it would have been a big surprise. As soon as I came home, I opened the garage door and knocked on Michael's door, he responded thinking I was someone else. I came in and he said, "oh, are you here for the weekend?" to which I said, "I'm here to see you" after which I hugged him and reassured him that I know it was hard but he can do it. He pushed me away and said that he got this. I believed him. He told me to go say hi to mami + papi so I went up to them while they were sleeping, like old times, and whispered their names. Mami woke up first and she said, "Michael?" to which I said, "No." As sleepy as she was, she went up and gave me a huge hug, she said she had never felt that kind of happiness ever in her life; I could say I felt similarly, I could feel her emotions so clearly.
I studied for a little bit then went to bed.
The next day mami was determined for me to fix things with Michael because of his sadness. I didn't want Michael to be sad anymore, I wanted him to know that there was someone always here to help him or be there to talk to him. She told me to get him to open up and say his feelings, no matter how loud or tumultuous it may be. I don't want to get into the details, but what ensued was a bitter hour of feuding, crying, begging, talking, and petty rants. As much as mami said it was at least eye-opening, I felt as though things only got worse between us. I felt at that point that the only way to make things at least a bit better would be to head back to Miami very soon. I felt around 5:30 pm and around 6:30 pm I spun out on the highway and crashed into a guard rail. I was fine, but the car (although working) didn't look so hot.
I felt that day (10/8/2011) was one where I definitely lost some battles; I felt defeated. After my parents assured me that we'd work things out, I headed to Miami the following morning via a Taxi service where we picked up several people on the way to Miami to drop people off from Orlando. We left at 6 am from my house and I arrived at my apartment at 12 pm on the dot, just in time to catch the final two games of the Inaugural Dean's Cup at FIU where the college of medicine was going up against the college of law in three game of kickball, football and softball. What ended up happening was that we won (HWCOM!); didn't really study this weekend.
I just wanted to write about that, get it off my chest and onto somewhere where I can at least revisit what happened.
Starting today I want to grow determination, discipline to do the things I have always wanted to do. Tonight, I will sleep at midnight to wake up at 5:30 pm to go to the gym. Tonight, I will focus on studying and doing things on my to-do list I have set for today. Each day has to be taken where every minute is precious. Focus on one task and do it well. The same goes for every hobby one takes on in life.
Especially in Medical school, time is very valuable... I want to get better at piano, I want to learn more theory. I want to get stronger/faster. I want to do better in my classes. I want to do all these things.
I'll write more later.
V
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